i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
