Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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