Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
