She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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