People with herpes should wear stickers.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
