The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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