drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
she smelled like a LAN party
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
