Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
