My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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