This is not my ceiling
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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