I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
