My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
