This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
