jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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