i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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