were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
