i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
