I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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