Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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