apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
