dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
