I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
