He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
