ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize