I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
