I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize