evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
