Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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