one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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