k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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