So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
