I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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