think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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