god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
