a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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