I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
