haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
