I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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