next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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