You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize