i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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