I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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