508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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