paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?â€
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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