I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize