So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
