you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
His hands were made for my vagina.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I have aggressive nipples.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize