Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
