Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
