Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
