There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
