i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
