my phone needs a breathalizer
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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