I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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