Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
When are your genitals available?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
