Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
