Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
