Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
honey bunches of taint.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
