I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
