if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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