It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
In America we eat man semen.
I'm passing your future prison.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
